(This was over the course of a year, I swear! Or was that 365 minutes?) Brooklyn, New York
The things that you try to tell people when you know you shouldn’t have bought something (All in good humor)
10 Reasons You Justify A Purchase
- Time. “I’ll have this replica of Big Ben until my children’s children’s cousin’s ex-wife has children! The test of time….”
- Quality. “But…its four ply cashemere, the other sweater was see-through…”
- “It’s $3 off of $150 for this vial of sand from Egypt! You know it’ll never go lower then this!”
- “In HomeGoods they were $40, but this cute little old lady in Missouri is selling it for $4. You know replica flowered milkcans, theres a lot of details in those flowers….”
- Can’t Find it Anywhere Else. “Where else can I find a pair of earrings consisting of a frying pan and a slice of toast with eyes? Sold!”
- Aspirational Shopping. “I know, I know, I am a size six and these are a zero from 1996; but I went jogging for ten minutes with Jen the other day….”
- Once In A lifetime opportunity! “They never carry vacuum cleaners in pink- who wants boring gray?”
- It’ll go perfectly with…. “Those green burlesque Betsey Johnson pumps I picked up at her Hamptons yard sale five years ago!” and never wore.
- One of A Kind Item. “I’ve never seen a kitty litter box that the cat has to jump into before….mess free! Must buy”
- I’m Indulging My Whims. “Oh, I got a C on that assignment the other day, I definitely deserve this antique Moroccan kohl container…. Oh c’mon! It was statistics!”
So you go on https://www.etsy.com/shop/JaponicaNYC and shop for vintage porcelain items until your hearts content….
(yes, I think somewhere in my pink tool kit I have all I need to repair this dolly…Sold!)
Sag Harbor, New York
You decide to check out Etsy, the rabbit hole of all things crafty, creative, and dust collecting. The 10 thoughts that run through your overwhelmed noggin, from start to finish…
- I could make that. I mean, seriously? I took Home Ec. How hard is it to whip up a stuffed tomato with googly eyes? Or a King Tut the 3rd plushie? Yeah, I definitely can do that King Tut…wait is that CROSSTITCH?
- Who needs a resin Wizard of Oz Plate that plays music? I mean really, I’ve been sneaking plates OUT of grandmas house every time I go to visit, I don’t need to ADD to her collection (of 5,000). Last time I bumped into one, she spent an hour sobbing and telling me I’ll never be dainty enough to find a husband.
- Where am I going to put all of this ? Of course I’d love a lifesize shiba inu statue, but shouldn’t I be using that space to store my air conditioner, so I don’t have to go to bed each night dressed in an old fur coat and a scarf to combat the breeze (never took it out of the window in the fall)?
- My mom can do so much better. I mean, her cheesecake is the best on Long Island. Why would I buy someone elses secret recipe? What a sell-out. I mean, what if one of my friends buys it? I won’t be the stand-out baker at our next (non-existant) potluck.
- Wow, Jim really has a lot of time on his hands! I mean, it takes some skill to make old knives and forks really look like a roadrunner…oh, I see here it took 20 hours…20 hours?!
- Craft supplies galore- I can be the crafty mom now! Oh wait…I forgot to have kids. Crafty aunt? My sisters going through a divorce. Crafty babysitter? No one I know has kids. Darn! Ok, I’ll just pretend I AM still a kid.
- OMG, I can do all of my gift giving. For that uncle I can never remember the name of who plays checkers 20 hours a day, and my cousin who no longer bothers to pretend we are related, and to that frenemy Leila who is always making nasty remarks about the gift cards I give to starbucks. Maybe I like being basic. Well, Basic begone!
- I need to freeze my credit cards. Otherwise, the vintage Dolce and Gabbana denim jacket? Mine. I don’t care if I can’t pay my Metrocard and have to walk to work. Don’t I want to fit into the itsy bitsy teeny weenie bikini that supposedly Brigitte Bardot wore (according to Jo Anne Smith, 43, Louisiana, homemaker and storyteller extrodinaire)? The A train is so passe.
- Now my dog and I can match- look at these owner/pet cat ear headbands! Wait, dog? Whatever, me and my future dog (down the line when I move out to the suburbs and raise a family…aka never) Sold!
- Wait…I do need that! So I give in and buy everything and spend a week in sitting on boxes and trying to find my computer to SOS for help. Visit etsy.com/shops/japonicanyc to buy vintage porcelain dinnerware and other treasures. Shop to your hearts content!
(There’s nothing wrong with carrying an antique mouse- look, she fits right in !) Berlin
You’ve been this way since you were two (home videos to prove it). Written with more then a touch of humor-Happy Friday!
- Your cats knock over your snow globe from Austria and you scream so loud your downstairs neighbor phones in a distress call and the cops show up only to find you covered in fake snow and sobbing while your cat’s green eyes peep out from the cage where you have banished them (possibly for good).
- When doing an airport transfer, you happen to book the flight out of Vienna instead of a direct flight, just so you can replace the said broken snow globe (authenticity is important! And that 8-hour glue repair job leaked the water, making a ring on your antique table, thus causing another catastrophe).
- You purposefully step AROUND your antique Persian rug to avoid wearing it out- you want to be able to hang on to it for another 400 years, and just because the museums hang up the holy ones, doesn’t mean YOU like that raggedy look!
- When traveling, you opt to stay in the room one night because the new guy who moved into the bunk below you kept eyeballing your newly purchased lederhosen, and there’s no way you’re going to let that creep run off with them (after you just spent 45 minutes haggling with a man who kept drenching you with a shower of spit.)
- You buy a backup of each memorial shot glass so that in case the one you have on display breaks, you will have another one to remember the occasion by. Hey, when you say you have a shot glass from every state, you mean every state. Just because Hawaii was the last state to join doesn’t mean it’s going to be the first to leave!
- When you have guests over (twice a year), you immediately have to give them a tour of al of the new items you’ve picked up, like you are a guide at the Met or something. It only gets worse, after you’ve consumed half a bottle of wine and then proceed to show them your family photographs from 1880, fawning over relatives you never met.
- You don’t let your best friend Magdalena from high school ever stay with you, even though she now lives 5296 miles away, because you remember her “sticky fingers” and know she’d love to set them onto your Barbie-esque pump collection. So, you pretend that you’ve now become a recluse, and can’t have guests, even though you live alone and have two guest bedrooms.
- You have a concise list and strategy prepared for the next family heirloom meeting (whoever said blood is thicker then water clearly hasn’t seen godmother Ingrid’s Ming vase collection).
- You let your battery powered toothbrush accidentally fall into your heater and in the mad rush in the morning, forgot to retrieve it, and then on the subway (do not) resist the urge to go home. Who cares if you’ll be 50 minutes late to work, the thought of your antique postcard collection from Las Vegas going up in flames after you outbid some old man by $300 is just too much to bear. Oh, and your cats? Yeah.
- Whenever someone mentions that you have too much stuff, you sigh, start combing the room, looking for things you “haven’t used in the past 10 months (years)” and such, move it all into a “going away” pile, only to stare pitifully, remembering how that was your first tube of Chanel lipgloss you bought back in the sixth grade…..
…and the items gravitate back to their spots, the spots that were all clean and shiny, from lack of dust. Boy, did your room just look, for a fraction of a second, so shiny. Wowwww!
So, you “forget” to give them away. Shop for vintage porcelain and other items www.etsy.com/shops/japonicanyc
(Go somewhere with absolutely no internet connection or stores. That island in the middle looks like a good bet, no?) Kotor, Montenegro
Do not watch American Pickers; it will only make things worse. Note: all our posts are in good humor, intended to brighten your day:)
- Play that Neko Atsume cat game. Completely effortless, but who knew collecting kitties and feeding them could make you forget larger responsibilities like feeding your own kitties and paying the rent, let alone buying that vintage Hawaiian cat-hula girl?
- Spend a day cleaning your parents house. By the time the day is over (read: 10 minutes) you’ll be so exhausted hearing “don’t break that” and “watch that, I got it from your great-great grandmother Edie, she drank from that Coke bottle on her first date with your uncle Benny” that you’ll vow you’ll never put your own kids through having to do this with your junk
- Look at your best friend’s photos of her recent sojourn to Europe. When was your last trip? That boozy resort in Jamaica that you never ventured off the property, and could have been in Florida for all you knew? Right. Get that jar out and put the money in it- the antique dog house can wait (you don’t even own a dog). Woof.
- Watch Hoarders. You’ll be so repulsed by the overflowing stacks of moldy newspapers that are breeding bugs you didn’t even know existed, that the thought of purchasing some old mans entire library will seem off-putting.
- Buy a bottle of rakija (for those who don’t know it, it’s a grape based drink of the Balkans that tastes like licorice.) You mix it with water and sip it slowly, consuming nuts or seeds on the side. After a few, (consumed quickly), that collection of Steiff bears from 1912 that supposedly survived the Titanic will survive not having a voyage to your house.
- Go mountain climbing. No need to purchase those wannabe Spice Girl spangled platforms when you’re on crutches for four weeks (you knew flip flops do not constitute as hiking boots!)
- Browse through the junk mail. Find the charity invitations. Read the stories, and decide you have more noble places to spend your money (Giving is good!) These lovely causes actually deserve your money, not some dude selling handmade Jack Daniels wind chimes in Tennessee. He probably consumed them all himself.
- Hire a housecleaner, and eavesdrop. You’ll be so ashamed listening to their remarks on “does he have enough junk?” as she dusts your 80’s matchbox car collection that you’ll instantly want to live like a monk and eschew all physical property in life.
- Read a blog. One about travelers who bask on beautiful beaches, only owning a backpack, and become so immersed in the idea that you begin selling off your collections, forgetting all about buying you 299th Iive.laugh.love plaque.
- Go on Etsy, just to browse, as your sister holds your credit card, realize that you can’t, absolutely can not resist that lamp that looks like the burlesque leg lamp in that funny cult movie “A Christmas story”, arm wrestle the card out of her (weak) grip…
….And realize that shopping for goodies is fun, and you can’t go without it! Shop for vintage porcelain and presents on http://www.etsy.com/shops/Japonicanyc
- Work would actually get done because you’re not surreptitiously checking out tickets to Metallica on StubHub for your husband instead of writing that recommendation on why John needs that Liver transplant.
- Little Ruby wouldn’t need that nose job after all, since she wouldn’t be slugged for taunting Little Miriam for being too poor to receive brand new clothes for her birthday.
- You wouldn’t have that avalanche of a closet (stocked with old Cabbage Patch Dolls and ceramic picture frames from your Aunt Fifi )that causes a 3rd-world catastrophe just as referenced Aunt Fifi goes snooping for an extra bow for this years china rooster (cock-a-doodle doo!)
- Santa Claus would lose all of that weight from being left the vegetables you hid in your napkin from dinner, not Tate’s Bakeshop cookies. Didn’t he know gluten free is the way to be anyway?
- The Chinese wouldn’t have to buy bottled fresh air from some enterprising but Canadians, having no need to pollute the air with waste from plastic Easter baskets, Mets Monopoly Games or ginormous Valentines Day stuffed animals that scream I WAS CHEATING from the roof of your old beat up Honda.
- We’d be forced to go run around outside, maybe lose the holiday poundage from your mom’s famous flan, or eek, converse with each other and find out you have absolutely nothing in common, as television would cease to exist during the holidays for a lack of gift advertising. Following with divorce, splitting the boat no one ever used in two just for spite, lighting your wedding dress on fire, etc. etc.
- The world would flourish with trees like your unmarried Aunt Margie’s garden, where she toiled away her sexual energy with her greenest thumb ever. Why? No more wrapping paper to be used and discarded. It would be like living in the Brooklyn Botanical Garden.
- Rivers would be plain old blue or worse, run clear, instead of all of those uber cool, pretty rainbow shades from all of the toxic waste. So dull. I personally prefer a bright orange, didn’t they know it’s the new black?
- The vets would require less Xanax to deal with the hysterical owners who come in because little Fluffy or Spot once again consumed too much bubble wrap and can’t go number two.
- Christmas, Hannukah and Easter would actually be religious again. Oh yeah, that guy Jesus. Wait, what are the three Wise Men bringing then if not gifts?! Food? Good cheer? Pfft.
- People would walk through the malls on Black Friday like they were some mute version of the Walking Dead, sluggishly pattering along, no baggage except, you know their brains.
- There would be no entertaining of (insert weird spelled name here) proclaiming he only stole the bling for his baby mama’s birthday. We’d have to read mundane stuff about World events.
- People would realize their houses were too organized, so they would try to create some chaos, so they’d go to the mall……
And it would start all over again.
Buy gifts! Gifts are good- we don’t want boring rivers, we want rainbows……