- Work would actually get done because you’re not surreptitiously checking out tickets to Metallica on StubHub for your husband instead of writing that recommendation on why John needs that Liver transplant.
- Little Ruby wouldn’t need that nose job after all, since she wouldn’t be slugged for taunting Little Miriam for being too poor to receive brand new clothes for her birthday.
- You wouldn’t have that avalanche of a closet (stocked with old Cabbage Patch Dolls and ceramic picture frames from your Aunt Fifi )that causes a 3rd-world catastrophe just as referenced Aunt Fifi goes snooping for an extra bow for this years china rooster (cock-a-doodle doo!)
- Santa Claus would lose all of that weight from being left the vegetables you hid in your napkin from dinner, not Tate’s Bakeshop cookies. Didn’t he know gluten free is the way to be anyway?
- The Chinese wouldn’t have to buy bottled fresh air from some enterprising but Canadians, having no need to pollute the air with waste from plastic Easter baskets, Mets Monopoly Games or ginormous Valentines Day stuffed animals that scream I WAS CHEATING from the roof of your old beat up Honda.
- We’d be forced to go run around outside, maybe lose the holiday poundage from your mom’s famous flan, or eek, converse with each other and find out you have absolutely nothing in common, as television would cease to exist during the holidays for a lack of gift advertising. Following with divorce, splitting the boat no one ever used in two just for spite, lighting your wedding dress on fire, etc. etc.
- The world would flourish with trees like your unmarried Aunt Margie’s garden, where she toiled away her sexual energy with her greenest thumb ever. Why? No more wrapping paper to be used and discarded. It would be like living in the Brooklyn Botanical Garden.
- Rivers would be plain old blue or worse, run clear, instead of all of those uber cool, pretty rainbow shades from all of the toxic waste. So dull. I personally prefer a bright orange, didn’t they know it’s the new black?
- The vets would require less Xanax to deal with the hysterical owners who come in because little Fluffy or Spot once again consumed too much bubble wrap and can’t go number two.
- Christmas, Hannukah and Easter would actually be religious again. Oh yeah, that guy Jesus. Wait, what are the three Wise Men bringing then if not gifts?! Food? Good cheer? Pfft.
- People would walk through the malls on Black Friday like they were some mute version of the Walking Dead, sluggishly pattering along, no baggage except, you know their brains.
- There would be no entertaining of (insert weird spelled name here) proclaiming he only stole the bling for his baby mama’s birthday. We’d have to read mundane stuff about World events.
- People would realize their houses were too organized, so they would try to create some chaos, so they’d go to the mall……
And it would start all over again.
Buy gifts! Gifts are good- we don’t want boring rivers, we want rainbows……